February 26, 2017: Telling Your Kid!

How do you tell a 12 year old you have cancer? For weeks I pondered this question. Do I have someone with me? Do I seek professional help? What do I do? I asked people their opinion. In all you learn and know what is best because it is your child and this is your CANCER. You are the one going through this journey and you are the one making the decisions.

There was no rhyme or reason why I decided the day I did or how I did. I think some had to do with her crying the night before about people dying and why does everyone have CANCER. But I got up that Sunday morning. I made us breakfast. My mom went grocery shopping. Giulianna and I sat at the table to eat. I remember she was playing on her iPad. I had to ask her to turn it off and put it away.

February 17, 2017

My second round of infusion. My friend Chrissy went. This was a lot easier. Still took about 2 hours but no issues. Felt like I knew what was happening.

So let me back up I know I forgot a few days and boy were they fucking interesting. So Valentine's Day I received nothing not even the happy Valentine's Day even after I said it. He just said "oh yeah it is that day." Now you would think after seeing your girlfriend go through treatment, get diagnosed, be in the ER and just because you would want to make this special as it is your first together. Umm... who the hell am I kidding? Monday night I got into an argument with him yelling because he told me that I shouldn't go to work on Tuesday. When I had to raise my voice at him he then got mad at me. I explained that he wasn't listening to me. He said he was. After I repeatedly told him I want to go to work to be normal. Feel like I am normal because nothing any more feels normal he kept repeating but you should really stay home and rest. Like what the fuck and who asked you?

So Tuesday comes and goes - no gifts - nothing. He doesn't even make it a point to see me or anything. Not even let's grab something to eat. Then Wednesday comes and he starts being shady and distant. I catch him lying. Every day we says good morning and good night. Well that night I received a text at 8pm saying he was dropping someone off and would text me in a few. Now when I talked to him in the morning he said he wasn't taking "the kid" to work because he was going to AC, but at 7:30 he said he had gone back to Trenton and had to take "the kid" home.  At 12:30am, I woke up realizing I never heard from him. I texted and called with no answer. He finally text me back about 10 minutes later with, "I am overwhelmed and went to bed." What the fuck is that! And you couldn't call me back for that. Sorry I flagged that from the beginning. And him overwhelmed, GODDAMN get in my head. Between the medication and the moods change. Add on my mom and him. I don't know whether I am coming or going. How about the simple fact of being 40 years old and having CANCER.

February 14, 2017

Our first Valentine's Day together. So 4 days after treatment. First day back to work. I know you are all thinking I should have stayed home after being at the ER over the weekend but sometimes doing normal things is comforting.

Going to work was great. It was smooth and easy and I felt good. Emotional it sucked. Everyone was getting flowers and candy and Valentine's. Guess what I got!! NOTHING.

Told you I am telling all. This is my battle not only cancer but life. My life with cancer you win some and you lose some. In 40 years, I have never received a true Valentine's Day present of flowers or something romantic or delivered. WHY..? WHY..? Should I expect it now?! Don't get me wrong my mom has my daughter make cards or go to the dollar store and get a cute card every year but I am talking the romantic gesture. NOTHING!!

February 10, 2017

Day one of chemo.

Well sleep wasn't an option today. My nerves have got he better of me and I am over all not in the right frame of mind. I have thought about not going. Thought about getting in the car and leaving. Like if I don't go does it exist. If I leave did all this really happen? I waited till 5am to text Eddie. Told him I don't want to go. Sometimes I am my own worst enemy.

So he picked me up at 830am. But I don't understand why he couldn't even come in or knock. He just always text "here". That infuriates me. But I guess I can't get mad at something so minor. He takes me to philly for doctor appointments and treatment.

Today I have labs, see the doctor and the first round of chemo!

So labs are simple. You sign in they call your name and you get a vials of blood taken. DONE!