January 25, 2017

We get up at 3:30am to get on a plane by 6am. Eddie arrives at 4am to pick us up and drive us to the airport. He is an amazing boyfriend. Nothing more I could ask for. As we arrive at the airport, he gets all the bags out of the trunk and give me a big hug and kiss goodbye. Tells me to let him know when I land in Califormia so he knows I am safe. He gives me his beats (headphones) to use and gives Giulianna money to spend out in Disneyland.

So the Disneyland trip was amazing. I was there with my mom, Giulianna, my aunt Carol, Uncle Jerry, cousins Chris and Heather and their 2 kids Von and Olivia.

First day, I slept most of it sleeping as I didn't feel well from the plane ride and my leg was hurting, but the time change also didn't help. I talked to Eddie that night and talked about how we missed each other. We talked about going on a trip once all this was over. He talked about redoing his back yard to make it like a little getaway for me. He said this way I can relax and think I am on vacation every day I was there. he was so sweet.

January 19, 2017

I got up early and did a morning transport like normal. Am I ok calling anything normal anymore? I go into the office. Now I normally don't go in through the main entrance, I always use the back "employee only entrance". But on days I take one of the co- workers vans I use the main entrance so I can take the keys back to her desk. As I am walking into the building with my hands full, my phone rings. I put all my stuff down and sit at the desk to answer it.

January 12th through 18th: Shit is Getting Real!

Oh Thursday., I went in early to transport I kid to school. Then I had to testify at court. Well I was due there at 9am. They didn't hear me till 1140! Now I am still not diagnosed. The only hint they saw at the ER were lytic lesions on my pelvic and back. But the symptoms I was having were very real. By 11:40 I had not eating or drank anything since about 840am. I had a major headache, light headed and was dizzy. I would call these spells as I have been having them for the last 8 months or so. When I get them I used to say "I am riding the wave." Well this was bad. I was seeing double. I couldn't answer questions and I could barely read the paper in front of me. I knew testifying would be horrific at this point but nothing I could do. The court liaison looked at me under my jacket and asked if I was alright. I told her no through my eyes of tears. I explained what I was going through. She told the attorney and yet they still put one on the stand.

I could not get out of that court room fast enough. But it didn't matter as the waves were coming to an end as it was nearing 1:15pm.

I continued the day and worked till 9pm. Again, out with Tony. This time still in pain, still having a headache, and still extremely tired! But I was off tomorrow. I could sleep in a little. And if any of you work off OT. You need that OT! I knew in my head a normal paycheck isn't paying the bills. I am not sure who anyone is kidding but this is going to be one tough reality check. UGG

January 10, 2017

The next three days were a blurr of life. Wondering what to do! Am I going to live? The night I got home from the ER I slept with my daughter. Well let's be honest here. She slept and I stared at the wonderful human I created and sat up thinking.. will I see her graduate 8th grade, high school, or college. How about get married some day or have kids? This all ponders in your head once you hear that word "cancer". It spins your life out of control. But 4am I was on the sofa drinking coffee and crying.

By 5am my mom comes out. Asks me what's wrong. This is where your life and my life may differ. My mom is not the hugger or the person who supports you. I tell her what happened at the hospital. And in typical mother fashion she says, " they are just cysts you will be fine. I have tons" as I explain again the urgency of the doctors words. She again blows me off and walks away. The denial starts. I learned early in life I will never be supported by my mom.

History lesson.. At age 19, I lost a child due to domestic violence. When I had to have a DNC, I was told I could never have kids because the DNC was done wrong and messed up my uterus. At age 28, I found out I was pregnant. God had other plans for me. When I told my mom I was pregnant and took her to the first doctors appointment. They told me that I was high risk due to my epilepsy and other issues. They said that I may want to think about termination of the pregnancy. My mom thought that was the better option being single, epileptic and because of possible birth defects. When I refused the termination, mom was mad. She wouldn't give me a shower and said " well we don't know what the baby will be like upon birth."

January 9, 2017

I started work like a normal day. Although the pain was terrible, I went in at 7am and worked. I called the GYN thinking my IUD had moved or was causing the pain in my right leg and hip. Around 11am, I received a call from my GYN to head to Virtua ER as the signs were alarming.

Now let's remind everyone I am at work sitting at my desk. As I try to remain calm, I pick up my desk phone dial Belinda's extension. No Answer. Shit. Ok Call her cell. No Answer. GODDAMN. Now what. I am texting Eddie explaining what DR said. He is saying get a ride to ER he will meet me there. So glad it is that easy in his world. See, my car is being used by my mom. In August, during one for her "great decisions". She turned her lease in and decided she didn't need a car and would "burrow" my car as needed. Well that turned into her having my car daily. Which let me let you understand. I work crazy hours. She takes my daughter to and from school, piano, voice lessons, library, orthodontist and any other appointments needed. So to me her having the car and me sucking it up is necessary.

So my next move was walking into my MALE bosses office closing the door and again trying to hold it together. I calmly explain that my GYN called me back and told me I need to get to the ER now. He says "well lets go." He stands up and puts on his coat. I, because I am hard headed and avoiding, ask him if there is anything I need to do for work first etc. He says, " Nope. I need to use the restroom. Text Eddie to meet you and let's go."