February 11, 2017
So I woke up Saturday from my first infusion. I seem to feel fine. I had some visitors come see me. I sat on the sofa and spoke to each of them. One was my pastor. Everything seemed fine all day. By 4:30pm, I wasn't feeling well at all. I asked if mom had a thermometer. She didn't have a working one. I could tell I was hot and that I was getting a fever. She said go lay in bed. I got some water and went to bed. Next thing I remember it was about 6am and I was running a fever 102.5! At no point did she come and check on me to see how I was. I contacted the Fox Chase hotline. I couldn't even remember my name. They told me I needed to go to the closest ER. I sent a text to Eddie. I went to my moms room and explained that I need to go to ER now. She got dressed, got coffee and smoked a cigarette. We explained to my daughter that I had to go to the hospital. She didn't want to come. Off we went. Eddie said he would meet us there.
Upon arrival to Cooper, mom dropped me off at the entrance. I sat on the bench because I was out of it. She walked me in and that was all I remember. At some point Eddie came. I was there till about 5pm. Hooked up to IVs and things. I remember waking up and my mom was gone but Eddie was still there. It was confusing as anything. Eddie drive me home and I slept away the day into Monday. I didn't go to work that next day!
Tuesday, August 22, 2017
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
March 6, 2017
One week since I have had any contact with Eddie! One week since my life has taken another drastic turn. Everyday seems to drag on and on. Fun how now you sit and think please make this go faster. Let's get to Friday. I want this to be over but each day feels like an eternity.
And nights. Well about every 90 minutes to 120 minutes I am awake to pee! Yes to pee because I drink over 2 liters of liquid a day. My kidneys don't function like normal so I am awaken to pee. And most often I can't go back to sleep. So what happens I sit and think.
So what do you think about in the middle of the night. I think about the people who since this has started have stepped up their game and really become a support to me. Who reach out to me as often as possible to check on me. Then I think about the ones I have lost or who have dismissed me. I sit and think about the ones who say, "I will do anything just ask." And I have and they don't.
When your life changes (not for the better) you learn quickly who you can count on. Eddie wasn't one. He ran like a coward. He needed a reason out! I know it may take a few weeks for my heart to catch my mind but I understand that he couldn't handle it. But you guys can be the judge as I literally am an open book in here.
During this process, I decided to give back! Giulianna needed to see that there is more to life then getting. So we did chemo support bags. We collected money and filled them. If you read all my blogs you read how there are so many people who come alone and sit there alone for hours! It is just sad!
March 7, 2017.. this was a bad day. I didn't sleep well and was sick all day at work! I still made it thought 12 hours of work! I came home to silence. Yes silence.. my mom not talking to me not saying hello how was your day nothing. I am not sure what anyone expects from me. I am working through chemo. I am working while my entire body is telling me to stay in bed and sleep. I am working and doing what is needed while everything and everyone is telling me I should be resting. Everyone that is but her.
Sunday I took Giulianna to the mall and because I was tired after I was told by mom that and she said "your tired because you don't do anything." When I tired to explain to her that I am tired because I am sick and the chemo medicine makes me tired she stopped talking to me! See the problem with some people is they always want to blame others. And during this journey some people want to blame ME. My mom wants to find a blame for the CANCER. So we have been over things like, "you got the cancer from the protein shake you drank. Or the seizure pills you took." Or the best one "if you just would have drank the Spicket water you wouldn't have cancer." Then I reminded her of how she said that she thought the water in Mount Ephraim was causing seizures because so many of us had them. I reminded her that something is only good when it favors her! Again she stopped talking! See when you call people out on their shit or on their lack of knowledge they often stop talking because they realize how stupid they sound.
Lessons learned in life are easy.
One week since I have had any contact with Eddie! One week since my life has taken another drastic turn. Everyday seems to drag on and on. Fun how now you sit and think please make this go faster. Let's get to Friday. I want this to be over but each day feels like an eternity.
And nights. Well about every 90 minutes to 120 minutes I am awake to pee! Yes to pee because I drink over 2 liters of liquid a day. My kidneys don't function like normal so I am awaken to pee. And most often I can't go back to sleep. So what happens I sit and think.
So what do you think about in the middle of the night. I think about the people who since this has started have stepped up their game and really become a support to me. Who reach out to me as often as possible to check on me. Then I think about the ones I have lost or who have dismissed me. I sit and think about the ones who say, "I will do anything just ask." And I have and they don't.
When your life changes (not for the better) you learn quickly who you can count on. Eddie wasn't one. He ran like a coward. He needed a reason out! I know it may take a few weeks for my heart to catch my mind but I understand that he couldn't handle it. But you guys can be the judge as I literally am an open book in here.
During this process, I decided to give back! Giulianna needed to see that there is more to life then getting. So we did chemo support bags. We collected money and filled them. If you read all my blogs you read how there are so many people who come alone and sit there alone for hours! It is just sad!
March 7, 2017.. this was a bad day. I didn't sleep well and was sick all day at work! I still made it thought 12 hours of work! I came home to silence. Yes silence.. my mom not talking to me not saying hello how was your day nothing. I am not sure what anyone expects from me. I am working through chemo. I am working while my entire body is telling me to stay in bed and sleep. I am working and doing what is needed while everything and everyone is telling me I should be resting. Everyone that is but her.
Sunday I took Giulianna to the mall and because I was tired after I was told by mom that and she said "your tired because you don't do anything." When I tired to explain to her that I am tired because I am sick and the chemo medicine makes me tired she stopped talking to me! See the problem with some people is they always want to blame others. And during this journey some people want to blame ME. My mom wants to find a blame for the CANCER. So we have been over things like, "you got the cancer from the protein shake you drank. Or the seizure pills you took." Or the best one "if you just would have drank the Spicket water you wouldn't have cancer." Then I reminded her of how she said that she thought the water in Mount Ephraim was causing seizures because so many of us had them. I reminded her that something is only good when it favors her! Again she stopped talking! See when you call people out on their shit or on their lack of knowledge they often stop talking because they realize how stupid they sound.
Lessons learned in life are easy.
February 6, 2017
Biopsy
This is the only day my mom took me to FCCC. She has been banned. We went for a biopsy of my bone marrow. It was to be a local. Well the pain was to much for me to handle. The doctor decided that I need to be put under.
During this time he reviewed how treatment would work. I told my mom take out the book and write it down. My mom wrote 3 letters. I had just been given a pill called Adavant. So I had no idea what the doctor fully said about treatment. Thank god he reviewed it with me and Dayna the following day. Dayna took copious notes and was able to review with me on the way home.
Upon coming home I asked mom what the letters meant, she said "I don't know the doctor talked to fast." I explained you can't go "numb and dumb" at the doctors with me. You are my eyes and ears. If you can't handle it others will. So at that she has been banned as she knows she can't handle it and will not be able to listen. I go "numb and dumb" at certain words.
There is an illusion that as a parent you can handle anything. Well that all changes once you are told your child had cancer. At any age..... Over the months I have learned with the help from her sisters that my mother can make my food, do my laundry and clean but I'm no aspects handle the fact that her child had cancer.
Biopsy
This is the only day my mom took me to FCCC. She has been banned. We went for a biopsy of my bone marrow. It was to be a local. Well the pain was to much for me to handle. The doctor decided that I need to be put under.
During this time he reviewed how treatment would work. I told my mom take out the book and write it down. My mom wrote 3 letters. I had just been given a pill called Adavant. So I had no idea what the doctor fully said about treatment. Thank god he reviewed it with me and Dayna the following day. Dayna took copious notes and was able to review with me on the way home.
Upon coming home I asked mom what the letters meant, she said "I don't know the doctor talked to fast." I explained you can't go "numb and dumb" at the doctors with me. You are my eyes and ears. If you can't handle it others will. So at that she has been banned as she knows she can't handle it and will not be able to listen. I go "numb and dumb" at certain words.
There is an illusion that as a parent you can handle anything. Well that all changes once you are told your child had cancer. At any age..... Over the months I have learned with the help from her sisters that my mother can make my food, do my laundry and clean but I'm no aspects handle the fact that her child had cancer.
Thursday, March 23, 2017
February 7, 2017
Going under for bone marrow.
Well today was the day for the bone Marrow procedure. We had to be there at 10:30. Dayna took me for this. This was a great time. We laughed and enjoyed the time. This was stress free. Dayna made jokes and helped make it easier. Dayna talked about things from the past, when we were younger. It was the first time that I went to Fox Chase and it felt like it wasn't all about cancer. This is stuffi need. Less stress. More laughing!
The procedure didn't occur until 2:30pm because they had some backups. We didn't get home till 5pm!
I dont recall much from the day as I was under anesthesia. There was no pain and no real scar.
Going under for bone marrow.
Well today was the day for the bone Marrow procedure. We had to be there at 10:30. Dayna took me for this. This was a great time. We laughed and enjoyed the time. This was stress free. Dayna made jokes and helped make it easier. Dayna talked about things from the past, when we were younger. It was the first time that I went to Fox Chase and it felt like it wasn't all about cancer. This is stuffi need. Less stress. More laughing!
The procedure didn't occur until 2:30pm because they had some backups. We didn't get home till 5pm!
I dont recall much from the day as I was under anesthesia. There was no pain and no real scar.
February 25, 2017
This was officially the worst day of 2017. I thought getting diagnosed with cancer was hard. Oh fucking shit I was wrong. Hearing these words "I don't want a relationship. I told you that from the beginning." That was the worst. I thought to myself, Funny because I must be in a different relationship and a different play or life! All his actions, telling me he cares, planning a future and going with me to the DR. These are signs of someone that is in a relationship! So when those words came across my screen my mind was officially blown. My depression hit hard. I had been hiding it well. The cancer, the changes and now this. I cried for hours! Tried to make sense of it all. Smiling was something you had to force so people didn't know what was wrong. Today there was no smiling. Today there was only crying.
But how!?!? How does one leave you in this time. How can one say they care but in the same breathe leave. And how can someone do all of this through a text message!
So I keep pondering that if I didn't get cancer, would he have left?? I mean I was asking some pretty difficult questions. Like are we in a monogamous relationship and is it heading anywhere! And is he getting snipped so we don't have to worry about getting pregnant. Well technically, he was worried about that. That was why the IUD in the first place. He didn't want any kid! Although that saved my life! He didn't want a child at 50! Me looking back and even now. A child would have been ok. But he was adamant about not having a child at 50! Or was it with me? Now tons of questions come into play. He told me to take that me and think about things. WTF!! What am I thinking about. Him being an ass! Him leaving me! Me having CANCER?? As lost as I was, I was pretty clear he was using this as his out!
On Monday February 27, 2017 he wrote. " I have never been called a coward. I understand why you need to name call. But don't contact me anymore. I wish you well" who the fuck says those thing if they care. And yes I called him a coward for breaking up with me via text. I told him he was a coward for not doing it face face face since we were together Monday and Tuesday and he asked me to come over Sunday for dinner and a movie. Like there was nothing wrong. But when I pushed them hard questions he ran like a baby. He decided, fuck this I am out!
Then blocked me from texting, calling him, and sending him Emails! Well isn't that the shit! Like a 15 year old kid! Someone needs to grow up and act like an adult. Talk things out like an adult. Maybe that is why your 2 marriages failed! I mean I am no expert by any means but your lack of communication plays a hugh part. He did say he walked out of his first marriage and his second one he had a difficult time with communication. How did I think I would be different. Oh because I talk and make people talk for a living. He even said in the beginning your different I talk with you! He fooled me.. I am not different.. I made him run too!! SMFH!
January 24, 2017
On 1/23/2017, I stayed at Eddie's as we had to get up early for me to be at the 8am MRI. It was like being a married couple. We had dinner and watched TV. Once we cleaned up. We sat for awhile and just watched TV. At 9pm, i said I am going to bed. He said ok i will be in soon. I kissed him goodnight. I went to bed early as I am tired my body hurts.
In the morning we got shower and got ready and left. I truly felt like we were able to work well together. We got there on time with no issues !
At 8am we arrive for my MRI at fox chase again. I am tired and haven't eaten. I slept at Eddie because he took me in for my MRI! He knows I am exhausted! This place is becoming a second home and Eddie is my rock! I went back for lab work and they put and IV in. I came back out and sat with Eddie. I just wanted to sleep or eat not sure! They took me back into the MRI machine. It took about 20 minutes. This was a quick process afterwards we went to breakfast and I get so much better!
That day we went back to Eddie's and I took a nap. Then we went shopping for some things I need for the trip to California as tomorrow I leave for Disneyland.
Shopping felt good. It felt normal. We laughed and he made jokes. It reminded me of how we were before CANCER. Why I fell for him. Eddie isn't the best looking guy but his sense of humor is what I like. And he is always more concerned for others then himself. Which people tell me, that is just like you!!
On 1/23/2017, I stayed at Eddie's as we had to get up early for me to be at the 8am MRI. It was like being a married couple. We had dinner and watched TV. Once we cleaned up. We sat for awhile and just watched TV. At 9pm, i said I am going to bed. He said ok i will be in soon. I kissed him goodnight. I went to bed early as I am tired my body hurts.
In the morning we got shower and got ready and left. I truly felt like we were able to work well together. We got there on time with no issues !
At 8am we arrive for my MRI at fox chase again. I am tired and haven't eaten. I slept at Eddie because he took me in for my MRI! He knows I am exhausted! This place is becoming a second home and Eddie is my rock! I went back for lab work and they put and IV in. I came back out and sat with Eddie. I just wanted to sleep or eat not sure! They took me back into the MRI machine. It took about 20 minutes. This was a quick process afterwards we went to breakfast and I get so much better!
That day we went back to Eddie's and I took a nap. Then we went shopping for some things I need for the trip to California as tomorrow I leave for Disneyland.
Shopping felt good. It felt normal. We laughed and he made jokes. It reminded me of how we were before CANCER. Why I fell for him. Eddie isn't the best looking guy but his sense of humor is what I like. And he is always more concerned for others then himself. Which people tell me, that is just like you!!
February 20, 2017
I had off for Presidents' Day. Eddie and I decided it would be good to sit and talk. We went to his house as I can't really eat much fast food it bothers my stomach. So maybe this could go well. We have talked a little over the weekend nothing big just normal. As we sit through dinner we talk about normal things. I told him how I told gilly and her response. We talked about doing a trip together on a Disney cruise after it is all over. He said that his granddaughter would love it and gilly and her would get along so well.
After dinner, he talked he explained that he got scared because when he was in Cooper he remembered being there with his father and sister. He remembered that both were diagnosed with cancer and then both died within days of the diagnosis or coming home. He told me when he saw me there it was flash backs of dad. He explained he went into business mood in the hospital and got pissed at himself for not knowing answers to my medical questions that he should know!
Small history lesson - Eddie's father died November 2015 and his wife left April 2016 with the final divorce August 2016! He asked me out September 29, 2017!
So during this conversation he told me his entire Jared history with woman. His first marriage and how he just left. How he got up one day left because he couldn't handle It any more. How he left this wonderful woman and her kid because it was all too much!!! How his second marriage they wouldn't communicate probably and when he would see it happening every 3 years he would take a day off to fix it. But it was never really fixed because this past time when he took off they were not talking at all and when he went to talk she said "I am leaving." He told me she packed her bags and left. He continued by telling me that he thought they would get back together even up through the divorce papers and she is with another man!
He talked about how he cares about me and wants to be there for me. He talked about how he really isn't good at relationships.
When it was time to leave, he was like you need to leave we can't have sex and you turn me on so much! I laughed. It was also 9pm and I needed to get home to take my meds.
The confusion part of this whole process is at no point during this conversation did he say I don't want a relationship or do I not want to be in a relationship.
MEN call women confusing but I really think MEN are just as confused..
I had off for Presidents' Day. Eddie and I decided it would be good to sit and talk. We went to his house as I can't really eat much fast food it bothers my stomach. So maybe this could go well. We have talked a little over the weekend nothing big just normal. As we sit through dinner we talk about normal things. I told him how I told gilly and her response. We talked about doing a trip together on a Disney cruise after it is all over. He said that his granddaughter would love it and gilly and her would get along so well.
After dinner, he talked he explained that he got scared because when he was in Cooper he remembered being there with his father and sister. He remembered that both were diagnosed with cancer and then both died within days of the diagnosis or coming home. He told me when he saw me there it was flash backs of dad. He explained he went into business mood in the hospital and got pissed at himself for not knowing answers to my medical questions that he should know!
Small history lesson - Eddie's father died November 2015 and his wife left April 2016 with the final divorce August 2016! He asked me out September 29, 2017!
So during this conversation he told me his entire Jared history with woman. His first marriage and how he just left. How he got up one day left because he couldn't handle It any more. How he left this wonderful woman and her kid because it was all too much!!! How his second marriage they wouldn't communicate probably and when he would see it happening every 3 years he would take a day off to fix it. But it was never really fixed because this past time when he took off they were not talking at all and when he went to talk she said "I am leaving." He told me she packed her bags and left. He continued by telling me that he thought they would get back together even up through the divorce papers and she is with another man!
He talked about how he cares about me and wants to be there for me. He talked about how he really isn't good at relationships.
When it was time to leave, he was like you need to leave we can't have sex and you turn me on so much! I laughed. It was also 9pm and I needed to get home to take my meds.
The confusion part of this whole process is at no point during this conversation did he say I don't want a relationship or do I not want to be in a relationship.
MEN call women confusing but I really think MEN are just as confused..
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