March 6, 2017

One week since I have had any contact with Eddie! One week since my life has taken another drastic turn. Everyday seems to drag on and on. Fun how now you sit and think please make this go faster. Let's get to Friday. I want this to be over but each day feels like an eternity.

And nights. Well about every 90 minutes to 120 minutes I am awake to pee! Yes to pee because I drink over 2 liters of liquid a day. My kidneys don't function like normal so I am awaken to pee. And most often I can't go back to sleep. So what happens I sit and think.

So what do you think about in the middle of the night. I think about the people who since this has started have stepped up their game and really become a support to me. Who reach out to me as often as possible to check on me. Then I think about the ones I have lost or who have dismissed me. I sit and think about the ones who say, "I will do anything just ask." And I have and they don't.

When your life changes (not for the better) you learn quickly who you can count on. Eddie wasn't one. He ran like a coward. He needed a reason out! I know it may take a few weeks for my heart to catch my mind but I understand that he couldn't handle it. But you guys can be the judge as I literally am an open book in here.

During this process, I decided to give back! Giulianna needed to see that there is more to life then getting. So we did chemo support bags. We collected money and filled them. If you read all my blogs you read how there are so many people who come alone and sit there alone for hours! It is just sad!

March 7, 2017.. this was a bad day. I didn't sleep well and was sick all day at work! I still made it thought 12 hours of work! I came home to silence. Yes silence.. my mom not talking to me not saying hello how was your day nothing. I am not sure what anyone expects from me. I am working through chemo. I am working while my entire body is telling me to stay in bed and sleep. I am working and doing what is needed while everything and everyone is telling me I should be resting. Everyone that is but her.

Sunday I took Giulianna to the mall and because I was tired after I was told by mom that and she said "your tired because you don't do anything." When I tired to explain to her that I am tired because I am sick and the chemo medicine makes me tired she stopped talking to me! See the problem with some people is they always want to blame others. And during this journey some people want to blame ME. My mom wants to find a blame for the CANCER. So we have been over things like, "you got the cancer from the protein shake you drank. Or the seizure pills you took." Or the best one "if you just would have drank the  Spicket water you wouldn't have cancer." Then I reminded her of how she said that she thought the water in Mount Ephraim was causing seizures because so many of us had them. I reminded her that something is only good when it favors her! Again she stopped talking! See when you call people out on their shit or on their lack of knowledge they often stop talking because they realize how stupid they sound.

Lessons learned in life are easy.