February 7, 2017
Going under for bone marrow.
Well today was the day for the bone Marrow procedure. We had to be there at 10:30. Dayna took me for this. This was a great time. We laughed and enjoyed the time. This was stress free. Dayna made jokes and helped make it easier. Dayna talked about things from the past, when we were younger. It was the first time that I went to Fox Chase and it felt like it wasn't all about cancer. This is stuffi need. Less stress. More laughing!
The procedure didn't occur until 2:30pm because they had some backups. We didn't get home till 5pm!
I dont recall much from the day as I was under anesthesia. There was no pain and no real scar.
Thursday, March 23, 2017
February 25, 2017
This was officially the worst day of 2017. I thought getting diagnosed with cancer was hard. Oh fucking shit I was wrong. Hearing these words "I don't want a relationship. I told you that from the beginning." That was the worst. I thought to myself, Funny because I must be in a different relationship and a different play or life! All his actions, telling me he cares, planning a future and going with me to the DR. These are signs of someone that is in a relationship! So when those words came across my screen my mind was officially blown. My depression hit hard. I had been hiding it well. The cancer, the changes and now this. I cried for hours! Tried to make sense of it all. Smiling was something you had to force so people didn't know what was wrong. Today there was no smiling. Today there was only crying.
But how!?!? How does one leave you in this time. How can one say they care but in the same breathe leave. And how can someone do all of this through a text message!
So I keep pondering that if I didn't get cancer, would he have left?? I mean I was asking some pretty difficult questions. Like are we in a monogamous relationship and is it heading anywhere! And is he getting snipped so we don't have to worry about getting pregnant. Well technically, he was worried about that. That was why the IUD in the first place. He didn't want any kid! Although that saved my life! He didn't want a child at 50! Me looking back and even now. A child would have been ok. But he was adamant about not having a child at 50! Or was it with me? Now tons of questions come into play. He told me to take that me and think about things. WTF!! What am I thinking about. Him being an ass! Him leaving me! Me having CANCER?? As lost as I was, I was pretty clear he was using this as his out!
On Monday February 27, 2017 he wrote. " I have never been called a coward. I understand why you need to name call. But don't contact me anymore. I wish you well" who the fuck says those thing if they care. And yes I called him a coward for breaking up with me via text. I told him he was a coward for not doing it face face face since we were together Monday and Tuesday and he asked me to come over Sunday for dinner and a movie. Like there was nothing wrong. But when I pushed them hard questions he ran like a baby. He decided, fuck this I am out!
Then blocked me from texting, calling him, and sending him Emails! Well isn't that the shit! Like a 15 year old kid! Someone needs to grow up and act like an adult. Talk things out like an adult. Maybe that is why your 2 marriages failed! I mean I am no expert by any means but your lack of communication plays a hugh part. He did say he walked out of his first marriage and his second one he had a difficult time with communication. How did I think I would be different. Oh because I talk and make people talk for a living. He even said in the beginning your different I talk with you! He fooled me.. I am not different.. I made him run too!! SMFH!
January 24, 2017
On 1/23/2017, I stayed at Eddie's as we had to get up early for me to be at the 8am MRI. It was like being a married couple. We had dinner and watched TV. Once we cleaned up. We sat for awhile and just watched TV. At 9pm, i said I am going to bed. He said ok i will be in soon. I kissed him goodnight. I went to bed early as I am tired my body hurts.
In the morning we got shower and got ready and left. I truly felt like we were able to work well together. We got there on time with no issues !
At 8am we arrive for my MRI at fox chase again. I am tired and haven't eaten. I slept at Eddie because he took me in for my MRI! He knows I am exhausted! This place is becoming a second home and Eddie is my rock! I went back for lab work and they put and IV in. I came back out and sat with Eddie. I just wanted to sleep or eat not sure! They took me back into the MRI machine. It took about 20 minutes. This was a quick process afterwards we went to breakfast and I get so much better!
That day we went back to Eddie's and I took a nap. Then we went shopping for some things I need for the trip to California as tomorrow I leave for Disneyland.
Shopping felt good. It felt normal. We laughed and he made jokes. It reminded me of how we were before CANCER. Why I fell for him. Eddie isn't the best looking guy but his sense of humor is what I like. And he is always more concerned for others then himself. Which people tell me, that is just like you!!
On 1/23/2017, I stayed at Eddie's as we had to get up early for me to be at the 8am MRI. It was like being a married couple. We had dinner and watched TV. Once we cleaned up. We sat for awhile and just watched TV. At 9pm, i said I am going to bed. He said ok i will be in soon. I kissed him goodnight. I went to bed early as I am tired my body hurts.
In the morning we got shower and got ready and left. I truly felt like we were able to work well together. We got there on time with no issues !
At 8am we arrive for my MRI at fox chase again. I am tired and haven't eaten. I slept at Eddie because he took me in for my MRI! He knows I am exhausted! This place is becoming a second home and Eddie is my rock! I went back for lab work and they put and IV in. I came back out and sat with Eddie. I just wanted to sleep or eat not sure! They took me back into the MRI machine. It took about 20 minutes. This was a quick process afterwards we went to breakfast and I get so much better!
That day we went back to Eddie's and I took a nap. Then we went shopping for some things I need for the trip to California as tomorrow I leave for Disneyland.
Shopping felt good. It felt normal. We laughed and he made jokes. It reminded me of how we were before CANCER. Why I fell for him. Eddie isn't the best looking guy but his sense of humor is what I like. And he is always more concerned for others then himself. Which people tell me, that is just like you!!
February 20, 2017
I had off for Presidents' Day. Eddie and I decided it would be good to sit and talk. We went to his house as I can't really eat much fast food it bothers my stomach. So maybe this could go well. We have talked a little over the weekend nothing big just normal. As we sit through dinner we talk about normal things. I told him how I told gilly and her response. We talked about doing a trip together on a Disney cruise after it is all over. He said that his granddaughter would love it and gilly and her would get along so well.
After dinner, he talked he explained that he got scared because when he was in Cooper he remembered being there with his father and sister. He remembered that both were diagnosed with cancer and then both died within days of the diagnosis or coming home. He told me when he saw me there it was flash backs of dad. He explained he went into business mood in the hospital and got pissed at himself for not knowing answers to my medical questions that he should know!
Small history lesson - Eddie's father died November 2015 and his wife left April 2016 with the final divorce August 2016! He asked me out September 29, 2017!
So during this conversation he told me his entire Jared history with woman. His first marriage and how he just left. How he got up one day left because he couldn't handle It any more. How he left this wonderful woman and her kid because it was all too much!!! How his second marriage they wouldn't communicate probably and when he would see it happening every 3 years he would take a day off to fix it. But it was never really fixed because this past time when he took off they were not talking at all and when he went to talk she said "I am leaving." He told me she packed her bags and left. He continued by telling me that he thought they would get back together even up through the divorce papers and she is with another man!
He talked about how he cares about me and wants to be there for me. He talked about how he really isn't good at relationships.
When it was time to leave, he was like you need to leave we can't have sex and you turn me on so much! I laughed. It was also 9pm and I needed to get home to take my meds.
The confusion part of this whole process is at no point during this conversation did he say I don't want a relationship or do I not want to be in a relationship.
MEN call women confusing but I really think MEN are just as confused..
I had off for Presidents' Day. Eddie and I decided it would be good to sit and talk. We went to his house as I can't really eat much fast food it bothers my stomach. So maybe this could go well. We have talked a little over the weekend nothing big just normal. As we sit through dinner we talk about normal things. I told him how I told gilly and her response. We talked about doing a trip together on a Disney cruise after it is all over. He said that his granddaughter would love it and gilly and her would get along so well.
After dinner, he talked he explained that he got scared because when he was in Cooper he remembered being there with his father and sister. He remembered that both were diagnosed with cancer and then both died within days of the diagnosis or coming home. He told me when he saw me there it was flash backs of dad. He explained he went into business mood in the hospital and got pissed at himself for not knowing answers to my medical questions that he should know!
Small history lesson - Eddie's father died November 2015 and his wife left April 2016 with the final divorce August 2016! He asked me out September 29, 2017!
So during this conversation he told me his entire Jared history with woman. His first marriage and how he just left. How he got up one day left because he couldn't handle It any more. How he left this wonderful woman and her kid because it was all too much!!! How his second marriage they wouldn't communicate probably and when he would see it happening every 3 years he would take a day off to fix it. But it was never really fixed because this past time when he took off they were not talking at all and when he went to talk she said "I am leaving." He told me she packed her bags and left. He continued by telling me that he thought they would get back together even up through the divorce papers and she is with another man!
He talked about how he cares about me and wants to be there for me. He talked about how he really isn't good at relationships.
When it was time to leave, he was like you need to leave we can't have sex and you turn me on so much! I laughed. It was also 9pm and I needed to get home to take my meds.
The confusion part of this whole process is at no point during this conversation did he say I don't want a relationship or do I not want to be in a relationship.
MEN call women confusing but I really think MEN are just as confused..
February 21, 2017
Echocardiogram
This was an interesting kind of day. After having a long conversation with Eddie last night, he did not want me going to the appointment alone. So the plan was of me to drive to his house and for him to take me to the Echocardiogram. The original plan was for my mom to take me and for my friend Lisa to just sit at home with Giulianna till we returned. Well, Mom said, "you can drive yourself." Guess the concern Eddie and I had was I was going for a test that had to do with my heart and driving to Philly was not always the easiest thing and my anxiety.
So the plan was if Eddie couldn't get done work in time, Amy would take me. SO as I siting work and wait for Eddie to tell me that he would be able to make it. at 12:30pm, I got the text that he was leaving work and would be home in a timely fashion. I left work at about 12:30pm to met him at his house. I got there at 1pm.
If anyone knows anything about being on medication, you consistently have to use the bathroom and have other ongoing issues. So I immediately go into the bathroom. Eddie arrives and waits for me.
Eddie drove my car out to Jean's Hopkins hospital to get the test. We talk and laugh. Although things have never been the same, I feel that we are back in a good spot.
The test was easy and took about 20 minutes. On the way home we talked about the next appointment and how everything was going. WE then talked about going on a cruise and taking Giulianna and his granddaughter, Mikayla. We talked about a Disney cruise and how great it would be for me and Giulianna after all this. He agreed. I talked about how us getting away would be wonderful. He agreed. He then talked about how Giulianna and Mikayla would get along so well.
We got back to his house and I had to leave to go to dinner. He gave me a kiss and a hug. He told me to text him when I got home and we can talk later if I wanted. I of course said, "I love you." and thanked him for everything he did. He said, "I care about you and would do anything for you."
I went him and had dinner with my mom, Lisa, Giulianna and baby Carter. This was planned a week ago. And yes before you ask. I asked Eddie to come but he wanted to go to the gym and to see his mom.
Echocardiogram
This was an interesting kind of day. After having a long conversation with Eddie last night, he did not want me going to the appointment alone. So the plan was of me to drive to his house and for him to take me to the Echocardiogram. The original plan was for my mom to take me and for my friend Lisa to just sit at home with Giulianna till we returned. Well, Mom said, "you can drive yourself." Guess the concern Eddie and I had was I was going for a test that had to do with my heart and driving to Philly was not always the easiest thing and my anxiety.
So the plan was if Eddie couldn't get done work in time, Amy would take me. SO as I siting work and wait for Eddie to tell me that he would be able to make it. at 12:30pm, I got the text that he was leaving work and would be home in a timely fashion. I left work at about 12:30pm to met him at his house. I got there at 1pm.
If anyone knows anything about being on medication, you consistently have to use the bathroom and have other ongoing issues. So I immediately go into the bathroom. Eddie arrives and waits for me.
Eddie drove my car out to Jean's Hopkins hospital to get the test. We talk and laugh. Although things have never been the same, I feel that we are back in a good spot.
The test was easy and took about 20 minutes. On the way home we talked about the next appointment and how everything was going. WE then talked about going on a cruise and taking Giulianna and his granddaughter, Mikayla. We talked about a Disney cruise and how great it would be for me and Giulianna after all this. He agreed. I talked about how us getting away would be wonderful. He agreed. He then talked about how Giulianna and Mikayla would get along so well.
We got back to his house and I had to leave to go to dinner. He gave me a kiss and a hug. He told me to text him when I got home and we can talk later if I wanted. I of course said, "I love you." and thanked him for everything he did. He said, "I care about you and would do anything for you."
I went him and had dinner with my mom, Lisa, Giulianna and baby Carter. This was planned a week ago. And yes before you ask. I asked Eddie to come but he wanted to go to the gym and to see his mom.
February 24, 2017
This was my third infusion. My cousin Kathryn took me. I had to be there about 10:30am and I had to have an MRI that lasted about 90 minutes. Kathryn came early and we went for breakfast. We stopped at a little bagel shop right around the corner from my house. We are breakfast then took some bagel and cream cheese to go for lunch and drinks. We headed over to FCCC ( Fox chase cancer center). I went right to labs. This is becoming second nature. Getting use to the routine. From labs, I went upstairs to get an MRI. This was a lengthy process and I was told last week to bring my medicTion as I would be in there awhile and they know laying that long causes get pain. So I check omg and sit down. I decide now would be perfect to take my pain pill. Well within 15 minutes I am ready for a nap. Thy lady calls me back and sets up a line in my arm for the dye. I ask her if it can stay since I have to get infusion. She says "absolutely". Anything to not be poked again with a damn needle. Now I can imagine what a pin cushion feels like. But I am trying to afoid a pick line in my chest. I can't work with one. So if that means a needle every week in my arm. Let's do it! She puts me on the table and explains I will be here for about 90 minutes! WTF. 90 minutes in the MRI machine. Jesus I am so glad I don't have Clausterphobic problems. I lay back close my eyes listen to the music and slowly go to sleep!
They pull me out to put in the dye for the other part. My hands and legs are completely numb. I ask to move my hands in a different position. They move them. I go back in and finish. The worse part was trying to stand up after. It was like walking on jello legs.
We went downstairs and I checked into the counter and got a pager. So they hand out a pager for when your all ready to begin infusion, this way you don't have to sit right there. What happens is someone has to read your lab work to see if you need anything else, how everything is progressing and tell the doctor before you even go in. We sit and chat. Talk about different things. It is always good to have company. Mostly to help you laugh and remember there were good times and you will have them again! This is why you need "your people" or "your team". They need to be there support you and help you laugh your way through it. CANCER no matter how you look at it sucks and is fucking wrong. Your life gets twist turned upstide down and you don't understand why.but when you have people who you can intrust to get you through your whole life will make sense and fee much better.
Infusion was easy. We go back. I get weighed! FYI - that part SUCKS ASS... I am on a high dose of steroids in liquid form every week. So it is always fun to see that scale go from one number to a higher number weekly. And it doesn't matter what you eat. Because I barely eat some days. The liquid you drink is retained in your body. So all my hard work for 3 years getting down sizes and losing weight was for nothing.
Kathryn and I sit there. We try to play card but it was hard with an IV sticking out of my hand. Kathryn brought adult coloring books so we tried to color but again very difficult with the IV in my right hand. So I went to sleep for a little bit and turned on TV. Not much you can do there. It take about 2-3 hours for the IV fluids to be done. Once done I receive a chemo shot in my stomach every week. That is painful and burns. They say that is the best way to get it because if it is given through IV you will get pins and needles in your feet and hands. Well i have enough issues thanks.
So it is about 3:30. And we leave. Leaving FCCC at 3.30 is always fun. Traffic sucks and you don't get home till after 5pm. I always nap on the way home because I get so exhausted from the chemo that just hit my body.
This was my third infusion. My cousin Kathryn took me. I had to be there about 10:30am and I had to have an MRI that lasted about 90 minutes. Kathryn came early and we went for breakfast. We stopped at a little bagel shop right around the corner from my house. We are breakfast then took some bagel and cream cheese to go for lunch and drinks. We headed over to FCCC ( Fox chase cancer center). I went right to labs. This is becoming second nature. Getting use to the routine. From labs, I went upstairs to get an MRI. This was a lengthy process and I was told last week to bring my medicTion as I would be in there awhile and they know laying that long causes get pain. So I check omg and sit down. I decide now would be perfect to take my pain pill. Well within 15 minutes I am ready for a nap. Thy lady calls me back and sets up a line in my arm for the dye. I ask her if it can stay since I have to get infusion. She says "absolutely". Anything to not be poked again with a damn needle. Now I can imagine what a pin cushion feels like. But I am trying to afoid a pick line in my chest. I can't work with one. So if that means a needle every week in my arm. Let's do it! She puts me on the table and explains I will be here for about 90 minutes! WTF. 90 minutes in the MRI machine. Jesus I am so glad I don't have Clausterphobic problems. I lay back close my eyes listen to the music and slowly go to sleep!
They pull me out to put in the dye for the other part. My hands and legs are completely numb. I ask to move my hands in a different position. They move them. I go back in and finish. The worse part was trying to stand up after. It was like walking on jello legs.
We went downstairs and I checked into the counter and got a pager. So they hand out a pager for when your all ready to begin infusion, this way you don't have to sit right there. What happens is someone has to read your lab work to see if you need anything else, how everything is progressing and tell the doctor before you even go in. We sit and chat. Talk about different things. It is always good to have company. Mostly to help you laugh and remember there were good times and you will have them again! This is why you need "your people" or "your team". They need to be there support you and help you laugh your way through it. CANCER no matter how you look at it sucks and is fucking wrong. Your life gets twist turned upstide down and you don't understand why.but when you have people who you can intrust to get you through your whole life will make sense and fee much better.
Infusion was easy. We go back. I get weighed! FYI - that part SUCKS ASS... I am on a high dose of steroids in liquid form every week. So it is always fun to see that scale go from one number to a higher number weekly. And it doesn't matter what you eat. Because I barely eat some days. The liquid you drink is retained in your body. So all my hard work for 3 years getting down sizes and losing weight was for nothing.
Kathryn and I sit there. We try to play card but it was hard with an IV sticking out of my hand. Kathryn brought adult coloring books so we tried to color but again very difficult with the IV in my right hand. So I went to sleep for a little bit and turned on TV. Not much you can do there. It take about 2-3 hours for the IV fluids to be done. Once done I receive a chemo shot in my stomach every week. That is painful and burns. They say that is the best way to get it because if it is given through IV you will get pins and needles in your feet and hands. Well i have enough issues thanks.
So it is about 3:30. And we leave. Leaving FCCC at 3.30 is always fun. Traffic sucks and you don't get home till after 5pm. I always nap on the way home because I get so exhausted from the chemo that just hit my body.
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