February 25, 2017

This was officially the worst day of 2017. I thought getting diagnosed with cancer was hard. Oh fucking shit I was wrong. Hearing these words "I don't want a relationship. I told you that from the beginning." That was the worst. I thought to myself, Funny because I must be in a different relationship and a different play or life! All his actions, telling me he cares, planning a future and going with me to the DR. These are signs of someone that is in a relationship! So when those words came across my screen my mind was officially blown. My depression hit hard. I had been hiding it well. The cancer, the changes and now this. I cried for hours! Tried to make sense of it all. Smiling was something you had to force so people didn't know what was wrong. Today there was no smiling. Today there was only crying.

But how!?!? How does one leave you in this time. How can one say they care but in the same breathe leave. And how can someone do all of this through a text message!

So I keep pondering that if I didn't get cancer, would he have left?? I mean I was asking some pretty difficult questions. Like are we in a monogamous relationship and is it heading anywhere! And is he getting snipped so we don't have to worry about getting pregnant. Well technically, he was worried about that. That was why the IUD in the first place. He didn't want any kid! Although that saved my life! He didn't want a child at 50! Me looking back and even now. A child would have been ok. But he was adamant about not having a child at 50! Or was it with me? Now tons of questions come into play. He told me to take that me and think about things. WTF!! What am I thinking about. Him being an ass! Him leaving me! Me having CANCER?? As lost as I was, I was pretty clear he was using this as his out!

On Monday February 27, 2017 he wrote. " I have never been called a coward. I understand why you need to name call. But don't contact me anymore. I wish you well" who the fuck says those thing if they care. And yes I called him a coward for breaking up with me via text. I told him he was a coward for not doing it face face face since we were together Monday and Tuesday and he asked me to come over Sunday for dinner and a movie. Like there was nothing wrong. But when I pushed them hard questions he ran like a baby. He decided,  fuck this I am out!

Then blocked me from texting, calling him, and sending him Emails! Well isn't that the shit! Like a 15 year old kid! Someone needs to grow up and act like an adult. Talk things out like an adult. Maybe that is why your 2 marriages failed! I mean I am no expert by any means but your lack of communication plays a hugh part. He did say he walked out of his first marriage and his second one he had a difficult time with communication. How did I think I would be different. Oh because I talk and make people talk for a living. He even said in the beginning your different I talk with you! He fooled me.. I am not different.. I made him run too!! SMFH!