By 5am my mom comes out. Asks me what's wrong. This is where your life and my life may differ. My mom is not the hugger or the person who supports you. I tell her what happened at the hospital. And in typical mother fashion she says, " they are just cysts you will be fine. I have tons" as I explain again the urgency of the doctors words. She again blows me off and walks away. The denial starts. I learned early in life I will never be supported by my mom.
History lesson.. At age 19, I lost a child due to domestic violence. When I had to have a DNC, I was told I could never have kids because the DNC was done wrong and messed up my uterus. At age 28, I found out I was pregnant. God had other plans for me. When I told my mom I was pregnant and took her to the first doctors appointment. They told me that I was high risk due to my epilepsy and other issues. They said that I may want to think about termination of the pregnancy. My mom thought that was the better option being single, epileptic and because of possible birth defects. When I refused the termination, mom was mad. She wouldn't give me a shower and said " well we don't know what the baby will be like upon birth."
So why would this.. MY CANCER.. be any different.
Tuesday, January 10, 2017!
This still isn't real. I called fox chase and got the first available appointment, Friday at 11am. I called the primary doctor and schedule for 7pm that night as the ER directions were to follow up with primary care physician. I didn't know what to think or feel. The pain, well that was still there. Let's add in a stress headache and anxiety.
Eddie picked me up and we headed to the primary doctor. At this moment, I think we both knew nothing was ever going to be the same again. You try and act normal but it is impossible.
As we are sitting with the doctor, I hear that word again, CANCER! It is like someone shot a gun at close range by my ears. I instantly can't hear anything she is saying, I can't speak, and my body goes numb. I look at Eddie for reassurance but he is looking at me. He doesn't understand what is happening in my head. How everything in my body is shutting down. How I just want to stop the world and GET THE FUCK OFF THE RIDE.
The doctor talks about seeing an oncologist. We explain we already scheduled to see one in Friday. I asked about getting something for the pain. Primary accommodates and prescribes 2 muscle relaxers.
We leave and go to CVS. This is normal. I can shake the last conversation. We can walk and talk and just be normal.. Or can I???
Day three.. Let's try to be normal. My thoughts of going to work and acting like the last 2 days didn't occur. People asking am I ok. And me telling them I had "woman issues." Yet having to ask for Friday off because in the back of my head I knew I had to sit in yet another Doctor's Office and be told "cancer". That GODDAMN word again. Yet today I decided I would work. And that I did. Got up early started at 7am. Went and did my job.
Oh so there is that. MY JOB. I work as an investigator for the State of NJ, investigating Child Abuse and neglect. Me the person who, can barely think straight or hold it together has to interview people and determine if they can keep their child safe. Wednesday, I get in a car with Tony, pretty typical. He is driving we are going house to house attempting to see people, completing interviews and doing work in general. By 6pm, I am finally at a breaking point. I want my bed, my legs are hurting, my head is hurting, I am extremely exhausted and I am getting moody. Eddie has become the person of reason. "You should be home resting." Or "i don't think you need to be out this late." I finally break and tell Tony what is going on. By 8 pm, I am headed home and in bed by 830! Thank god i didn't think I could make it much longer.
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