February 17, 2017

My second round of infusion. My friend Chrissy went. This was a lot easier. Still took about 2 hours but no issues. Felt like I knew what was happening.

So let me back up I know I forgot a few days and boy were they fucking interesting. So Valentine's Day I received nothing not even the happy Valentine's Day even after I said it. He just said "oh yeah it is that day." Now you would think after seeing your girlfriend go through treatment, get diagnosed, be in the ER and just because you would want to make this special as it is your first together. Umm... who the hell am I kidding? Monday night I got into an argument with him yelling because he told me that I shouldn't go to work on Tuesday. When I had to raise my voice at him he then got mad at me. I explained that he wasn't listening to me. He said he was. After I repeatedly told him I want to go to work to be normal. Feel like I am normal because nothing any more feels normal he kept repeating but you should really stay home and rest. Like what the fuck and who asked you?

So Tuesday comes and goes - no gifts - nothing. He doesn't even make it a point to see me or anything. Not even let's grab something to eat. Then Wednesday comes and he starts being shady and distant. I catch him lying. Every day we says good morning and good night. Well that night I received a text at 8pm saying he was dropping someone off and would text me in a few. Now when I talked to him in the morning he said he wasn't taking "the kid" to work because he was going to AC, but at 7:30 he said he had gone back to Trenton and had to take "the kid" home.  At 12:30am, I woke up realizing I never heard from him. I texted and called with no answer. He finally text me back about 10 minutes later with, "I am overwhelmed and went to bed." What the fuck is that! And you couldn't call me back for that. Sorry I flagged that from the beginning. And him overwhelmed, GODDAMN get in my head. Between the medication and the moods change. Add on my mom and him. I don't know whether I am coming or going. How about the simple fact of being 40 years old and having CANCER.


So Thursday comes and seems about right until the lies start coming in again. He says he is in AC for work. I text him about 5:30pm he says he drove all the way home for gloves because he was cold. He was heading back to AC. Then throughout the texting he stated, "oh the job was called off I don't have to go back." Crazy because over 100 cops were involved.  He said he decided to go out with the guys and I asked if he was meeting them in AC. He said nope they aren't there. And again he says I will text you when I get home saying he is going out with "his buddies to blow off steam." FYI - never has he done this before. At 11:30 I get "headed home now." Never get I am home nothing. So at 1:30 am I start a length email about everything I am feeling. I am over how he is treating me. I hit send at 2:24am.

I will talk about my email here. I reminded him how he told me over a month ago he sees this relationship getting serious. I ask him yet again why I never met anyone in his family or friends. I ask him why he constantly says how he is fucked up in the head. I continue to ask if he wants to be in it. I continue to give him an out.

I don't receive any good morning text or good luck with treatment nothing. For someone who cares so much about me, he doesn't care how I am going into treatment.

I finally send another email on Friday at midnight saying how I can't believe someone who says they care so much for someone can just blow off such a big day and say nothing. I asked him if he is truly #teammonica

He finally emails back 5:30 am Saturday. He says I am on his mind, how he worries about me, how he knows this is difficult beyond words and that the email caught him off guard and he needed time to think.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???  Time to think.. Think about what.. I was so lost and confused.