Going to work was great. It was smooth and easy and I felt good. Emotional it sucked. Everyone was getting flowers and candy and Valentine's. Guess what I got!! NOTHING.
Told you I am telling all. This is my battle not only cancer but life. My life with cancer you win some and you lose some. In 40 years, I have never received a true Valentine's Day present of flowers or something romantic or delivered. WHY..? WHY..? Should I expect it now?! Don't get me wrong my mom has my daughter make cards or go to the dollar store and get a cute card every year but I am talking the romantic gesture. NOTHING!!
Once you hear that word.. and a doctor confirms that word to you CANCER.. you think about your LIFE. Things you maybe haven't done. Would like to do! Bucket list! I have so many and the more I think the more I ponder about the people in my life. Will these people help me achieve what I want out of life.
Within the last 36 days my mind has been a roller coaster. And not the baby roller coaster. We are talking worlds largest fastest and highest roller coaster you can get on. And worst part is you are never getting off. So during these turns and twists and things I have learned several things about myself. One major thing is I want to be MARRIED. For a majority of my life I condemned being married due to things I had seen and due to watching so many fail. But I truly want to feel loved the way I give love. I want to spend my life with one person. I truly want all those things associated with it. Ok ok not all.. no need for a big wedding. I am ok with something small and secluded. But I want it! I want to show my daughter what love is. What a good relationship is and a good man is!! I want to wake up next to my best friend and come home and be with my best friend! Life changes when you hear that word CANCER. Life changes because you know tomorrow may not be!
Relationships make people crazy. The thoughts of them make them nuts. So saying things about relationships can be a turn off. But I want one. and going through this makes you realize the things in life you are missing.
I want to come home and be hugged and kissed and be told I missed you throughout the day. I want to be cared for and loved. As in life I have never been. My life is not like others. My mom is seminally detached from others. There is no hugs or kisses. There is no saying "I love you."
I actually have a better relationship with my Aunt Betsy in South Carolina then my mom. My aunt makes it a point to call me every day and say "I love you." She will ask me how my day goes and how I feel. As you read you will notice that is more then I get at home. Don't get me wrong my mom does so much for me. But sometimes it is the emotional level that you need at a time like this!
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